First of all, I want you to know this isn't meant to be a pity party, or a "woe is me" post, but rather the opposite. I'm simply a daughter trying to come to terms with the fact that my father never wanted me. It's heartbreaking and painful. I'm hoping to not only get support, but give support to others that have had similar experiences; be it with their dad, or their mom, or even a grandparent. I'm a very open person and therefore have no problem sharing my story, but please know that *you* don't have to be. I understand we are all different and we deal with things in different ways. So if you would like to share your story here as well, I welcome that with open arms. If you're more of a private person but still want to comment or join in, you are just as welcome. My goal is to form a group of strength and support for those of us experiencing what I have come to know as one of the hardest things to face. I hope my story will somehow help others. Writing has always helped me get through challenging times in my life, so this is no different. Only this time, it's for all to see. But as I said, I hope to help others by sharing. So here we go. 

I was born in 1971. My parents were very young, and yes, married. My dad was always in a band. Music was his life. He would have band practice in my parents living room. Add music and the 70's together, and what do you get? Drugs. And yes, my dad was on them! He would bring women home and cheat on my mom, in their bed. When I was 1, I choked on a penny that was left on the floor and almost died. This was one of many things left within my reach by my dad and his friends. Between that and the cheating my grandfather stepped in and threw him out. My parents got divorced soon after. Ofcourse, my dad had already moved on to a new woman and left the state (and me) to start a new life with her. My mom was left to raise me and thankfully had my grandmother to help watch me while she worked. I thank god for her everyday! She would become one of my constants and biggest fans! (as I was hers)

My mom ended up marrying one of my fathers best friends. By the time I was 2, both of my parents were remarried and I was now adopted by my step father, as my father willingly signed his rights away, and my last name was changed. 

Over the next few years, life seemed normal. I knew my step dad as my father, and my father as a friend of the family. It wasn't until I was 7 that I was told he was my real dad. I think I had seen him twice before I was told and the rest of the contact was usually letters. I didn't know what to think. 

I remember it being very awkward at first. He, for whatever reason decided to make it known and make the effort to be in my life as my father again. By this time, he had 2 more kids with his new wife. And I think that was the first time I felt "left out" or started wondering "why?" Why now? 

My step dad was an abusive alcoholic and I seemed to always be the target. He was jealous of my father and since I looked so much like him, and reminded him of my dad, I got all the abuse. This caused alot of problems between him and my mom ofcourse. I would see my real dad on and off, pretty much whenever he felt like being a dad to me. I had to learn for myself what he was really like because my mom never spoke a bad word about him. She didnt want to sway my opinion of him, and knew eventually I would learn on my own. And I sure did! 

As I got older, he seemed to step in to give judgement and make it known if he was happy or not with my choices. My dad is very hypocritical. Always the Christian but never living by it. And would always make sure to put me down. He used to call me a "hefer" (because I was always overweight) and always made sure to step in and tell me what I was doing wrong. He would remember my birthday maybe every other year. Never paid my mom a dime in child support. And she never asked! Yet he had money! I remember watching him go to the mall when he was here visiting, and buy my brother and sister clothes and shoes, anything he wanted for himself, and not one thing for me. I got used to that real quick!

When I was in my teenage years I remember visiting him and we talked about what happened, about my childhood and my step dad abusing me. It was one of his rare moments when he actually pretended to care. He even apologized once. And I tried to let it all go. But the constant judgement continued. And we definitely had our disagreements. We have gone years without speaking. And then we make up and try it again. But it just never seems to work. I always loved him because he was my dad. And I honestly forgave him for the past, but when that behavior continues how do you continue to forgive? 

Out of respect for my siblings, I wont talk about everything he has done, but know that even they have had their times of not speaking to him. He has turned his back on all of us at one time or another. And I mean in the most cruel, selfish, most unspeakable way you can imagine. The difference here is that he cares if they dont talk to him. Me, on the other hand, he can live without. 

Our most recent and final fight (and Im leaving ALOT out here) was a year ago when I was trying to get my hands on a copy of my birth certificate. Yes, I somehow got through 40 years of my life without one. I was told that because I was adopted by my step dad that it wouldnt be at the county courthouse but rather up north. But I wasnt sure and the money was non refundable if they didnt find it. So I took a 2 hour drive to the county I was born in to be told that it wasnt there. While there, I was also told that when you get adopted, your birth fathers name is REMOVED from the certificate and its sealed away, and a new one is issued with the new fathers name as the birth father. I had NO idea! I was angry! How could he agree to that? He always told me his name was to be kept on there! And now, I would have to pay god knows how much to change it back! 

So I mailed a check to the address they gave me and in the mean time, I NICELY asked my dad how much he knew. Not to start an argument but just to know if he knew they took him off completely. I was soft spoken, while upset, I didnt accuse him but rather just asked him what I felt I had a right to ask. He got defensive ofcourse. And after saying "If I had it all to do over again, I would never allow it! Never give you up or leave you" And literally, I kid you not, right after, he did exactly that! He stopped talking to me completely! Told my sister he was done with me. Discarded! 

Apparently I was upsetting him by posting about my grandmothers death too much. The grandmother I was with my entire life! The grandmother that helped raise me when he bailed! So he blocked my posts on facebook. Because I missed her and was using facebook to get support from my friends. Never even mentioned him in any of it. I guess maybe me mentioning her or even my birth certificate was like reminding him of his own bad choices and he didnt want to face it anymore. So I sent him one last message and told him he could keep not talking to me because I never wanted to hear from him again.

Im ok with it all for the most part...but I find it very hard to see that he interacts with my brother and sister, even though they have their issues too, I know he could never live without them. But his life hasnt stopped. He hasnt missed a beat. My sister was here visiting a few weeks ago, and he was on the phone with her, helping her with a problem she was having, knowing I was sitting right next to her and it didnt even phase him. Thats what hurts! I have found that blocking him on facebook works wonders. If I saw his comments on my sisters threads it would be way harder. I dont want to see how easy it is for him to live his life without me in it. And trust me, he's living it!


How do you deal with your dad wanting a relationship with your other siblings, but not with you? It's painful and it breaks your heart. What did *I* do? Why don't you love me? I wish I had the answer to those questions. So many things rush through your mind. But the one that stands out the most in mine is...I would never and *could* never do that to my kids! Thank GOD! 

My dad has discarded me not once, but twice now. That will never happen again!! I have chosen to no longer allow him to poison my life, play with my emotions, or make me feel like I'm not worth his time. I get it! It took me 40 years, but I finally get it. So it was *my* choice to say "Enough"! 

Theres so much I left out, but I think you get the point. I am on a mission to find comfort and come to terms with this. It's hard not to let it rule your life. You always think "Well if my own father doesn't want me, who will?" It can really mess with your head if you let it. It's a daily battle to rise above the dysfunction and believe in yourself instead of all the negative things you've been told your whole life. But you CAN! You just have to believe in yourself and find strength to move on, without those negative forces. And its always harder when it comes from family. Take comfort in the ones that truly love and appreciate you. Life is short. Don't let *anyone* sell you short or make you think badly about yourself. You are awesome! And you deserve love!